Hello to the one (maybe two) people who are reading this! Like many of my peers, I am in my late 20s and stuck in a job I hate with very little hope of getting out anytime soon, thanks to a shitty job market (thanks W!) So in an effort to stave off the sense of impending doom that greets me each day when my alarm goes off, I am attempting to solve the mystery of that old adage about life giving you lemons and ending up with lemonade. You see, I wouldn't know the first thing about turning lemons into lemonade, because I suck at cooking, baking, mixing, stirring - basically, all things culinary-related.
There are a few things I make really well - namely homemade pizza and fruit salad (yummy yummy). After that, there's nothing doing in my kitchen except the occasional stinky disaster that even my wonderful puppy won't eat, calls for take-out, and oven-baked Amy's Organic burritos (yes, I don't own a microwave). I recently signed on with an awesome wellness coach-in-training who needed a practice client, and one weekly goal that kept popping up in various incarnations was "I will make at least one home cooked meal." In the three weeks I have been working with her, I have had two wins and one EPIC FAIL, which made me think "hey, maybe I can actually do this...maybe I can learn to cook!" But before I get into the successes, let's talk about the EPIC FAIL, which is where this blog gets its name.
At the suggestion of my wellness coach, I sought out my local farmers market to get some fresh leafy greens (LIE - it was really hot and I was craving a margarita like no one's business, so I skipped the farmers market, but I did go to the overpriced organic grocery store around the corner). As I was browsing the lush produce (LIE), wicker basket in hand (LIE), asking the people at each stall what was freshest, what preparation methods they'd recommend, and what would best compliment their veggies (LIE LIE LIE), I settled on some beautiful swiss chard. (Actually, it was kinda wilty, but I made some delicious gnocchi with chard the previous week, so it was significantly less scary than other the other greens whose names I struggle to pronounce). I'd decided in advance I was going to make a egg scramble that I'd just wing, in that footloose and fancy free style I'd always envied in gastronomically-gifted friends and family members. I figured hey, I'll grab some leafy greens, some farmers market eggs (LIE - but they were organic and cage-free), a garlic bulb, a little crushed red pepper, some parmesan and soy mozzerella (MY FAVE - more on this later), and BAM! Instant healthy omlette/scramble/frittata-esque dinner.
I got home from the grocery store and realized I'd forgotten the bulb of garlic (of course, I was planning to use a bulb, because thats what those awesomely confident and effortless cooks use, right?!). No need to call Thai Market for an order of Panang Curry STAT, I thought to myself, there's some pre-chopped jarred stuff in the back - I'll cheat this one time! I put on a DVRed episode of Chelsea Lately in the background and got cookin'.
My first clue that something was off was when I opened the jar of garlic. "Hmmm, that doesn't smell right," but nothing can stop me! I am a confident chef, preparing a healthy and wholesome meal to nourish my body, mind, and spirit. I went about my simmering, cracking, and stirring, and VOILA! I ended up with a slightly funny looking but still super healthy scramble. I served myself a heapin' helpin' of my delicious creation and settled in to watch some reruns of Oprah.
I took one bite and nearly gagged. I pulled my plate to my nose and smelled not garlic, but....ginger? Why does my omelette/scramble/frittata smell like ginger? Hmm, weird. Bite 2...INSTA-GAG. I got a sinking feeling and ran to the fridge. I grabbed the jar of pre-chopped garlic and....it was ginger. Awesome. So all that time spent at the farmers market discussing the varieties of chard and relative freshness of eggs (LIE) was wasted. I wish I could bottle the taste that this ginger-laced mess left in my mouth, because then I'd have a really awesome way to get back at the co-workers who make my life miserable. It was truly vomitous, and gave me a severe stomachache. I tossed it in the trash and instead feasted on a liquid dinner (wine from a recent trip to a winery - geez, chill out, I'll get to it!) with a side of chips and salsa. Culinary Arts 1, My Sense of Smell and Reading Skills 0.
What it did give me was the idea to start tracking my culinary (mis)adventures. For better or worse, I have a shit-ton of lemons in my life right now and I better figure out how to do something with them, lest they rot away and I lose a ton of money. Thus, a blog is born. I will post about my two recent culinary successes in the days to come, but honestly, if you've read this far, you deserve to pack it up for the night and just order take-out.
xoxo,
g
(PS - I also suck at technology. I haven't taken any cooking-related pictures yet, but I will, and after I take them I promise to figure out how to post them.)
(PPS - So I don't forget the witty title I came up with, Entry #2 will be called The Zone of Proximal Development, and it will be all about this awesome gnocchi I recently made and what its like to be a teacher in a world that has somehow come to hate teachers.)
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